Diary Entries

It’s not often in life that you are completely untethered. My job is stressful, but for no real reason. I’m good at it and I find it easy but everything feels completely pointless. I’m slowly losing my grip on things, I guess, my nice orderly life has taken a somewhat jarring turn for the completely unexpected. I have no way to cope. I usually go to the gym or go outside for a walk or go be somewhere by myself but that’s not an option these days. It feels so pathetic when I say it like that, there are plenty more people worse off than I am. But I can’t help but wonder how long I can hold on. My dreams are so much more vivid now. I am remembering things I’d rather not. Is this COVID-19 or is this me failing to cope with adversity? Does anyone else feel this way? I’ve had to stop reading the news. My family is overseas in a badly affected country. I worry about them constantly. I want this all to stop. I need to find someone who understands but I’m afraid to ask. I’m afraid to tell someone how I’m feeling. I’m afraid.

Today I was keen for some good fish and chips. The Sydney Cove Oyster Bar was serving take away, including fish and chips, at a good price on the weekend, but unfortunately today it was a no go. They weren't open. At least I got my exercise in nice weather. It's nice to have some Vitamin D when you go outside for some say exercise or essentials. I managed a non prepared for home lunch with another take away. Chicken schnitzel and chips also at a good price. Eating seems to become a priority during Covid-19. I haven't sufferred from snacking as a lot have said they are sufferring from. It's just that home cooking means you have an eye on the next day if not weeks ahead rather than taking it as it comes. No, I've seen a lady on TV preparing frozen meals, some 50 or so, for $120. But I haven't been like that...ever! Yes, I miss the option of eating out. Even in the CBD, the take away option has become restricted. At least I had some hot chips at last!

Four weeks of almost no interaction with grandkids has resulted in a great evolution in my garden but I can't wait to be back blowing bubbles and finger painting again!

My husband and I are very grateful to be well and living in Australia, given the high death rates from covid-19 in other countries. We are concerned for the ongoing economic impact on the economy and the many young people who will be traumatically affected for years to come. Throughout our lives, when testing times came, they were largely personal, and we eventually learned that good results can come out of traumatic situations. I guess that is what teaches you resilience and gives you emotional capital. The hardest thing for us has been not being able to physically see our grandchildren. Luckily my husband has an Apple iphone and we were able to use facetime as a proxy. Personally I was very disturbed that having come out of a bushfire crisis that seemed to bring out the best in Australians we plunged straight into the toilet paper hoarding episode which clearly demonstrated the opposite. Also the concept of "community" was tested when it was obvious that neighbours were not adhering to the government regulations regarding number of visitors. While we were social distancing for the greater public good, other people do not appear to understand that particular concept. I have found the ABC News 24 11am programme a very professional coverage of the pandemic. I am concerned that older Australians will not have access to the covid-safe technology because they do not have the appropriate phones. I walk every day and my husband has been able to continue to play golf (with one week vetoed) and so our physical exercise has been ongoing. I have found the birdsong more prominent and the news that the snow on the Himalayas have been visible from parts of India for the first time in years was so pleasing. Perhaps politicians can note this.

I have been stuck in the house for weeks upon end, not seeing anyone in person is annoying. The only way I can interact is by a device. It is not the same as seeing people in person. The first time I heard of coronavirus I thought it was like the cold but it has turned out to be heaps worse. I hope we can return to school soon and see our friends and family.

2020 - The year that humans took an enforced step back and Mother Nature took a breath and enjoyed a renewed freedom. 2020 - The year schools became ghosts of their vibrant past. 2020 - The year where children were required to learn in a new format in the space of 24 hours. 2020 - The year students would rather be at school than at home. 2020 - The year that tears flowed when children were told it would be another week learning away from their classroom and friends. 2020 - The year where teachers were equally put down and flooded with gratitude. 2020 - The year teachers all over world worried more then ever about their students. 2020 - The year my heart ached and my eyes wept for those students whose safe place is the four walls of my (our) classroom. 2020 - The year i missed my students and our daily chats about little nothings and big somethings. 2020 - The year we would all like to make it through, healthy and safe.

Like many other dogs, our dog loves isolation. More treats, more cuddles, more walks, lots of attention. We look into a forest of blue gums from our dining room and across a lawn from the living room so we don’t have the locked in feeling. Plenty of visits from birds who are appreciating the new freedoms. I am loving the Zoom experiences as a way to keep in touch with family and friends. Always good to learn new skills. Just can’t imagine what it would be like without the internet. Yesterday I was able to meet on line through the Department of Education’s platform with the Year 9 student I mentor who lives in a country town a long way from here. Recently I finished reading a book published in 2019 called “The Dreamers” which was about a small town where a virus spread among college students. The effects were so similar to what we are currently experiencing that I wonder how the author Karen Thompson Walker feels knowing how close she has come to predicting the COVID19 pandemic.

2020. Everything has changed. The earth has been forced to be silent. where I once found peace in seclusion, I now am forced to share it with the rest of the world. Self isolation was my choice. Before the panic. Before the fear. Before corona. Two years ago, It was a choice. Having to now isolate with others, was not. Friday nights consisted of no more then a bottle of red, a book, a cushion and my imagination; I can now hear the commotion of life I’ve tried so hard to avoid in the apartment next door; across the way below, in the backyard of the neighbours. The din drowns the silence I’m so accustomed to. I don’t hate people. I don’t hate socialising. I hate the effect it had on me. I chose to be alone, because I was a better person for it. It is not temptation I’m hiding from, it’s the person I became when I wasn’t hiding. Everything has changed. And unintentionally because of the scenarios of 2020, so must I. C.

Today I woke up later than usual. The cold weather has arrived and it seems like it is here to stay. My husband cooked breakfast for my daughter and I. We went to our backyard deck and watched the birds have a real party. Their noise was so loud, we live by the Bidjigal reserve in West Pennant hills and it is magical here. Lots of cockatoos, magpies, kookaburras, you name it. They are so loud in the mornings, this morning they were even louder. After this, my 3 yo daughter made soup out of pieces of plants she has collected in the bush land. She loves picking flowers, seeds and everything else. She made me a lovely “soup” and we pretended to eat it together. There and then I knew it was going to be a good day.

My heart is a balloon Poor, tender thing thin walls describing a space to be filled A yearning cocooned in fragile flesh Time has not been kind One cruel love too many The unbearable born. Pricked and punctured. Exhausted – yet it rises Promethean rebirth each day Sets me to sail Swan like on the mirrored surface of the word Let me be a rock in the foaming rush Safe harbour, cool spring of succour And solace Let me give, and in giving Receive the grace of humanity. My heart is a balloon Expanding as it gives Filling as it empties Thin walls of star stuff encompassing worlds Beyond counting Cosmos made flesh. The world will turn through this lonely year And we, poor tender things Will see that we are not, Are never alone. One people, one glorious song in the expanse. And our hearts…..oh, our hearts Will be balloons. Watch us rise.