Diary Entries

I am 71 and when the rules came out in February urging those over 65 to stay at home because they were vulnerable I took a step back and looked at myself. I have never thought of myself as old and vulnerable before so it was a bit of a shock to be seen like that. Before COVID-19 my life was full. I did a few days a month casual teaching, I bushwalked, kayaked or cycled every weekend with friends. I was the organiser of our bushwalking group. I was also active on Ten Forty Matrix Committee, which organises events, camps and information for NSW Lesbians over forty. I was one of the key organisers for fund raising and running events. In addition I had been in a book group for over 20 years and played cards regularly with a group of friends. My subscriptions to Belvoir Theatre and The Australian Ballet were supplemented by one off arts activities and movies. I also enjoyed a regular monthly dinner with my group of diners. Most of this continued until... Suddenly all gone on 16 March. But by then I was already locked down. Over the weekend of 7-8 March I was struck down with the most painful sciatica attack. I somehow dragged myself to the Opera House as I was on a panel for International Women's Day, All About Women program. I ended up being helped to the taxi after in a wheel chair. The next day in more pain I was in an ambulance for the first time in my life on my way to emergency. Quite reasonably the hospital decided since I could hardly move, lived alone, and was 'vulnerable' I should stay in overnight. This turned into three nights. I tottered home with my walking stick on 12 March.

During Covid-19 it has been very hard for my family to see each other. At first I could not see my grandmother. I had to adjust to only see her virtually. It was a tough adjustment as I have such a strong connection with her. After restrictions eased and I went back to school. I could go to see her. She lives on the top floor of her apartment building. Every step I took to get to her apartment I get more excited. When I finally reached the door was already open with my grandma standing in the arch. With open arms, I run the rest of the staircase. It was such a rewarding experience to see her. Now, this is a new tradition we come together every Sunday and cook something that is fun to make and relatively healthy. I really think that this pandemic has really changed my views on how important this is.

THE GREAT PANIC During the great toilet paper panic that gripped this fine nation in 2020, I saw two women, fear in their eyes, clutching hard-won supermarket treasure to their breasts with both arms, as if cradling babies: two rolls of kitchen paper each. Faces hopeful, they asked ‘We’re looking for hand sanitiser?’ A weary chemist’s assistant shrugged. ‘Nope. None. We’ve run out.’ She had answered this query all day. The women stood there, desolate. Where could they turn now? Soon there’ll be furtive touts on street corners selling contraband tissues, if only you can pay the price; or peddling tales of Aladdin’s caves: warehouses stuffed to bursting with loo paper, vats of hand-made sanitiser, to tease our fearful dreams. Gone are the heady days of Australia’s gold rush. The great toilet paper rush of 2020 gathers momentum. Then the people will revolt. Their flag? An honoured cross of white paper, stitched sheet by perforated sheet, Eureka stars of soft white tissue. And the toilet rolls will all be liberated, return to the longing, empty shelves to patriotic cheers and tears of joy, so anxious women can smile again. But like its precursor revolution in Ballarat, this stand will inspire valiant deeds and the sad slaughter of innocents. When will the madness end?

Watsons Bay, Sydney On 1 March, Australia’s first death from COVID is reported. On 10 March, the 100th case is reported. Arrivals from Italy are blocked. On 19 March Australia announces its borders will close to everyone except citizens and residents. There are now more than 7,000 deaths in Italy. On 23 March the New South Wales Premier says schools will remain open but asks parents to keep children at home. We’re banned from travelling overseas. Parents have started withdrawing their children from my piano lessons, some whisking them away to holiday houses, out of Sydney. And new restrictions are on their way. We must socially distance. I’m worrying about the garden in Bowral. We’re not allowed to travel down from Sydney, and the grass and garden beds are still so dry from the heat and bushfires. The lemon tree we planted will be crying out for water, but it will have to manage. It may not end up fruiting. I try not to think about the roses. I’ve started doing my yoga classes online and am trying for three sessions each week. It is a far cry from doing a normal class, and my laptop set up on my bedroom floor is too small, but I’m getting used to it. I want to keep supporting my yoga teacher to keep her business alive. My doctor is now doing only telehealth consultations and I experienced my first today. Saved a trip across town to Glebe and felt more like speaking to a friend than a doctor. The NSW Writers’ Festival has been cancelled, as have our tickets to see the mighty Patti Smith and her band at the Enmore. So disappointed. The number of deaths in the United States is growing exponentially and is now clearly out of control.

I’d decided to have a short holiday in New Zealand and wanted to do a hiking and cycling holiday. There were two dates available, but the April tour wasn’t confirmed while the March tour was, so I decided to go in March. At the time of booking the holiday Covid19 was being discussed, but was mainly confined to China. It wasn’t thought to be a problem when considering booking a holiday. I was due to fly out on Friday 13 March 2020. By that week, 14 days self isolation was required for people coming in from high risk areas, such as Italy, Iran and China, where the disease was spreading rapidly. At that point there were a number of cases in Sydney (where I live), but very few in the general community. New Zealand also had very few cases. I did consider the situation before flying to New Zealand, and decided that New Zealand was low risk. I had no symptoms, had not been in contact with anyone with the disease and felt I wouldn’t be infecting anyone in New Zealand, so decided I’d go. At the time I flew out there was mixed messaging from the Australian Government. While they were bringing in bans on public gatherings of over 500 people, the Prime Minister was saying he was still going to the footy on the weekend (through in the end he did not go). I was only away for 10days, but things changed rapidly. On the Saturday, NZ announced that if you arrived on Monday or after, you would need to self isolate for 14 days. At this point I felt lucky that I had arrived before this came into effect and I would be able to enjoy my holiday.

It's weird to see my friends again for the first time in a month, to know all the stress and fears they've experienced and to not be able to give them a hug. School is going ahead as usual, because we have no other choice. Some of our HSC assessments were cancelled, but now the focus is on trials and learning the final bits of content. If anything, the focus on academics has ramped up as almost all out of school activities have been cancelled. It is both distressing and strangely comforting that with everything changing there seems to be one constant. School may shut down, pandemics may be declared and life as I know it may be cancelled, but I can always rely on being told that the HSC is the most important thing in my life.

No more flowers No more Flower Mouth No more salty stricken dried tears No more panic No more manic You are not the Flower Mouth anymore I am my own Flower Mouth I am “soft, and beautiful, and killing you”? No, no, no honey I am soft, and beautiful and I killed the me you thought you could control forever. You died that night In everyone sense but the literal And your ghost has haunted me ever since I am not yours But The Flower Mouth is mine

Watsons Bay, Sydney Arrivals from China are now blocked. On 27 February, our Prime Minister tells us that the outbreak will become a pandemic. I can hardly believe it. Arrivals from Iran are blocked. Then arrivals from South Korea are blocked. Things are starting to feel a bit scary.

Watsons Bay, Sydney After months of severe drought and record-breaking temperatures, 50 fires are still burning in Victoria and New South Wales. On 7 January, a new virus is identified as belonging to the coronavirus family, and days later China announces its first death from the virus. It is a man who had bought supplies from a seafood market. On 25 January Australia confirms its first case in Victoria.