Diary Entries

My dog loves pandemics. She has three people loving her, constantly. (We all need the pats/We all need the cuddles.) She's never walked so far in her life. She's seeing new places, new parks, sniffing new smells. The air is cleaner - she can breathe better. She can hear better. The noisy things flying through the air that sort of hurt her ears have flown away. The roads are safer. People in the parks give her space. But they're friendlier. There are lots of dogs to meet. More every day. Where have they been? Everyone's home. Loving her. My dog loves pandemics.

I am an elderly citizen of this state with a minor heart condition, so I have been following the request of the government to stay isolated at home. I only go out for a walk each weekday which takes me a little over 30 minutes but it is all hills and dales. This ISO was progressively making me feel quite depressed and wondering what I should do. Then last night my daughter, my son-in-law and my two grandchildren arrived for dinner to celebrate Mother's Day. Wow! It was so wonderful. After short time I felt a new person. The laughter, family discussion, the smiles on the children's faces, the excitement of exchanging news and mostly the love I could feel in the whole house. My house once again felt like a happy home and I feel I can go through more isolation for a little longer.

My isolation began many years ago. I was told that to defeat fear, I had to confront it. So I became a firefighter. The Black Summer came, and gave life its new meaning. Our band-of-brothers discovered a newfound purpose and courage in each of us, above the confusion, futility and fear of the fireground. The days and nights were long and sleepless, endured in extreme heat, for months on end - the threat to life and property chasing us along the coast from the Clarence to the Murray. But then, as quickly as it came, it was gone. Our chance to pause, to learn, to grieve, to bond and to reflect vanished in the morning, only to envelop us in the bleak pall of isolation. One extreme had dissolved into another. Where the fire had been full-time, work became part-time. We have all the time in the world, where we once had none to spare. But where some faltered, we were ready. To us, the confusion, the chaos, and the unceasing struggle of the mind against itself were nothing new. Our families are not foreign to its strain, our souls not strangers to its test. It will not break us. Once more this year, our fears have found us strong.

Today is bright with a cold wind. It's Sunday so we've had a sleep in and late breakfast. Later I'll go for a walk and get Batty's Burgers for lunch. I rang Mum for Mother's Day, she loved the card I made with pop-out flowers. That murder of crows seems to have moved on. About a dozen of them came into the area a week or two ago, making that strange call all over the place, upsetting the magpies and minors. The magpies look tiny next to them! Several crows checked out our backyard either from the gum tree or the fence, but didn't come down. The last I saw of them was a couple walking along the roof next door, checking over the edge, walk on check some more. It looked very much like they were casing the joint. I'm so grateful that we live here for the COVID-19 lockdown rather than in the dark, cold little flat in the middle of the city. Here we have space and light, a backyard, birds. My experience has been relatively serene, I may stay a recluse after this is done.

What Isolation Has Taught Me....... 1. Isolation has taught me that we as humans fear. We fear the unknown, the uncontrollable, the elusiveness of existence in a changing world. 2. Isolation has taught me the importance of acceptance. Accepting the things you cannot change, frees you from the fear of anxiety. It allows you to live in the moment and creates peace of mind. As the age old Serenity Prayer goes "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference". 3. Isolation has taught me that we introverts are doing ok. Everyday life may have us adapting and energising and supercharging ourselves to those around us. When left in our natural state, adapting is no longer needed. 4. Most importantly, isolation has taught me that when stripped away, lacking distraction and constant noise, you better get comfortable with yourself. Because if you don't like yourself, accept yourself, enjoy time with yourself, then who else will?

TENSION The tension between reaction and no reaction. Between complacency and anxiety. Between compliance and non-compliance. The subtle CRITICISM of my actions, seen as an over-reaction. Reflecting my need to PREPARE and PROTECT, to gather essentials. And yes, to procure enough toilet paper (or at least have last year’s Yellow Pages at the ready just in case we had to “make do”). An unwanted, selfish perception of SELF-SACRIFICE while others were flaunting the rules. A hint of ANNOYANCE at being law abiders, risk averse and doing “the right thing”. UNTIL... the stories of OTHERS also in lockdown, also FEARFUL, at more risk, with no jobs, no income, no space, no “others” to support or be loved by or for them to love. Illness. Death. The deep SADNESS. And the REALISATION that the right thing was to do the RIGHT thing. For us. For everybody. And then... the CALM. The PEACE. The quiet ACCEPTANCE. No “fear of missing out”. No pressure. No deadlines. An AWARENESS of sunrises and sunsets, of colours, of birdsong, of books and music. With no time limit. No call of “elsewhere” and no expectations by others. For the first time an empty calendar and, surprisingly, the STILLNESS that has brought. And the opportunity to just “BE”. And a profound GRATITUDE for where we live and for those who have LED and for those who have CARED for us.

GLIMPSE An on-line work meeting at home. It’s evening. Children’s bed-time. Suddenly, from one screen through the study walls we hear shrieks and cries of ‘I want Daddy…’ We all smile, except Daddy. Later, his head swivels from the screen. A door has opened, quietly. Onscreen, we see a upturned head appearing at his knee, and we glimpse a tear-washed face. Silently, Daddy bends to hug his little son goodnight. They exchange a tender kiss. No words. A hush has fallen on the group. This is why we work.

Oh it's the weekend! And it's almost finished... Wait...are weekends still a thing? Oh, it's also Mother's Day around the world. Everyday, I think, ever since the various stages of lockdowns in the world, most of us have been in touch with our mothers -- perhaps for some like me, even more often than in the past few years. So Mother's Day today is not only celebrated in quite a limited way -- social distancing for us, but still in isolation for other parts of the world. But has also sort of waned in excitement as we may have been with our mums -- albeit virtually -- for many weeks leading up to this day. Or maybe it's just me. There's really no shopping for presents or anything like that, and we just had simple breakfast at my in-laws house. I am a mum to a young child (who actually told me to add here that we didn't give him time on the iPad today! hahaha). And everyday with him now has really been like Mother's Day. He will no longer go back to school for the rest of the year as we have registered him with the Home Education Unit. At first, it felt weird having him around and stressfully trying to "school" him at home. But now that we have moved forward and moved away from "school", the three of us are just learning and living. And we are all learning with each other! Time spent as a family is really priceless! And we are just happy that we get to do that everyday now -- mother's day or no mother's day, weekend or no weekend. ;-)

Mother’s Day! A early morning tray of tea, and gifts of pickled eggplant & piccalilli plus handmade soap from Lyttleton’s Store in Lawson, alongside fresh freesias from the garden, a handmade card & a poem from Miss 8. M was sheepish about the lockdown gifts but they made me laugh, and actually I quite liked it all. Afterwards we drove to Wentworth Falls, 15 mins up the mountain, bought takeaway coffee & hot chocolates and sat hugging them on street benches in the sunshine and cold. Then my son, F, and I walked to the lake to meet our bird-watching friends while M and Miss 8 went looking for the ingredients for tonight’s fish pie. We’ll call it Pirate’s Pie for our daughter, who is not keen on eating animals and is put off by specifics. At the lake we met our friends — social distancing observed — and delighted in a small pied cormorant, 4 little black cormorants, a selection of honeyeaters, thornbills (which we heard but didn’t see) and a pair of brooding galahs. Local wildlife artist, Fiona Lumsden, taught us how to spot mistletoe growing on indigenous trees as a parasite. It is good for the birds, and draws migrating species to the lake for food. John the photographer mentioned having a cake bake-off via Facebook this afternoon with a friend, a very good baker. Back home I was inspired to bake fudge brownies made with black beans instead of flour. You’d never know the difference. Usually. Things didn't go quite to plan. The tray I selected was too big and I forgot the baking powder, so they were a little … okay, a lot… flat. Tasted good enough to have with afternoon tea though!

Life has changed as we know it – forever it seems! We've lost our innocence... The initial fear of COVID19 has morphed into an everyday life pattern for now. What was once scary and new has become the norm! In the beginning I was thirsty for the news and digested every piece of information. A unwilling participant in the craziness that was and is COVID19. As the sadness and grief for lives lost and the reality of a changed world sunk in, the battle for normalcy fought with the battle for survival. The shopping and lack of supplies, negotiating safe distances and dealing with work and family became our learning curve in dealing with a new reality. What an experience! Isolation laws brought loneliness to be endured. Sadness at not being in close proximity to family; not being able to help out or even visit! The telephone became my new friend. The internet connection became paramount to a happy household. And I’ve never walked so much in my life! Bring on the Great Escape from this madness. Someone please ring the bell!