Diary Entries

My experience of Covid 19 has been overshadowed by a more personal crisis. My husband was diagnosed with Brain cancer on 6 March just as the panic about the virus started to set in. We were so shocked as the symptoms were not obvious to us and my husband is very fit. Suddenly just when I needed support from my family and friends they were not able to see us because of the new social distancing rules. All our plans for the year came crashing down. We are receiving lots of phone calls and messages from everyone and video calls as well. These keep us in touch with the world. My mum, brother and sisters all live in the UK. They are locked down far more than we are. Mum hasn’t left her house for 2 months. She has wonderful neighbours which makes me happy. My niece’s planned wedding in London was cancelled and of course my flight to attend it is also cancelled. Mum (who was widowed last September) was due to return to Sydney with my brother and me. All now cancelled. Husband is going through chemotherapy and is on his 3rd round. He is going well. It is all so weird that we can’t see our two sons and their families. No one can visit us because of husband’s low immunity even now the restrictions are lessened. I am feeling better for having a haircut yesterday, Just Cuts is open again, but have to be so careful. Everyone is getting used to distancing and you find yourself giving way to people like when you are driving. People are kinder than before.

I’m tired. We did not do a lot today, and for some reason it made me feel tired. Maybe because I was busy with pretend play all day! My mum says that entails a lot of work. Maybe she is right. But I am not sure. Good night.

I had an altercation with a distant friend, online, naturally. I had posted that I've been able to work through the pandemic - as an assistant nurse. I am assured that this is a frontline job but I feel so small compared to the giants of RNs and Docs I work with. This fact that I can work, for once in my life, I am purely proud of me and my part. You see, I suffer with the black dog - depression. And the feeling of inadequacy. I've worked hard to get where I am, and so in this happiness I posted this fact, without really thinking of others reaction - admittantly. But the reaction did happen. Two friends told me I was being insensitive to them. They both work in the arts industry, where my passion used to be. And within a few days, they had lost their dream and jobs, they told of their friends being made homeless and how they were depressed amongst other friend doing the job of 3 because their bosses dont have money coming in. I was worried and tried to assure them that the industry will be needed after all this is over! I miss the Theatre! They assured me I was being horrid and to think about what I post. I kept thay post up - you know why? Because in a time when everyone is affected, there needs to be someone that is proud of their part. Depression is a reality. I can attest. But I know if I hadn't done the work I've done on me, I would be saying what they are saying to another steady and proud friend. This is a time of lifting each other up. If you can't say anything nice... keep scrolling.

Today went past again — same as yesterday and the day before. But then it is always different. We hardly get a chance to really see how much we do accomplish in a day so the diary is a good thing. It allows us to reflect on the day and discover what we have done, how we felt and how we are at the end of the day. My son and I spent the day talking on-and-off with each other about the Thunderbirds board game that we started to play last night. He is into collaborative games at the moment, and he is loving all the different rules. As much as I am an advocate of collaborative activities — as opposed to competitive ones — for his age, I realise that my head spins trying to work out the many different rules and options that these cooperative games offer! Before we even begin the game, I am exhausted. And then the game begins, and for the life of me, I only hope the game will end soon. But my son loves it! He imagines himself to be in the game. So he strategises and thinks of how to go past the dangers and challenges without being defeated by them. But luck plays a part in these games, and one relies on chance for certain events or circumstances that happen as you open every card. Sometimes, the game ends and all players fail to accomplish the mission. Sounds so familiar, isn’t it? (Wink) Tomorrow is another day. We might end up playing another collaborative game — Ravine. That and some lessons for him and a little bit of work for me.

I am really enjoying this time in isolation. Since I can wake up when my body is ready to I often stay up late listening to You Tubes and watching shows like “Phantom of the Opera. I’ve thrown out or passed on goods which I no longer need and I am growing some food. I am doing Pilates, Qigong, walking and cycling. I have time to sit in the sun or swing in the hammock. I have learnt to use Zoom and WhatsApp and host a weekly coffee morning tea and a philosophy talk. I spent time reading to my granddaughter on WhatsApp, followed by a Duplo building completion. Then I followed her and brother via WhatsApp on their bikes before the final dart competition. I’ve learnt how to order things online and have been cooking tasty recipes from YouTube. Most importantly I have learnt to do self-body and face massage since I’d been missing my regular remedial massages. Days are passing very quickly and I still have more jobs to do around the house. I hope isolation doesn’t end just yet as I know once it does these will go on the “To do sometime list”. I think about some of the great things which have happened like parents spending quality time with their kids and reduced greenhouse emissions. I have found since everyone is in the same boat people are more friendly. The difference is how we feel about it. In my area we put a green ribbon on the letter box if everything is fine and a red one if we need help with something. My hope is that we each take some part of these new habits with us when isolation finishes so that the new world is better than the one we were isolated from.

The family is all here, all day every day. I’m actually amazed that we are managing so well. I wouldn’t say I’m at my most effective work wise, but I’m loving that I can make it from my bed to yoga class in the lounge room in 4 minutes. After a rocky few weeks as work did the Covid19 pivot, things have settled and we know what we’re doing. The rabbit’s happy, its licking feet during hubby’s sit-ups and snuggling up with Ma during shavasana. Everyone is dropping food in his bowl throughout the day. Mr 18 is doing well with first year uni though he’s turned nocturnal, exams now online and the study flows on from HSC but he’s loving studying what he enjoys the focus on maths n physics. Is he really my son? Missing his gym, the backyard one has lost its appeal as the temperature drops and the make do arrangement is not cutting it. Mr 15 is finally grasping study from home, in a silent world where communication is flowing between him and his school buddies. Lots going on but quiet on the outside. It’s given him an appreciation of being in the classroom he still prefers that interaction. Can’t wait for him to get out on the soccer field. Hard to get either of them out the door into the fresh air. Hubby is doing well as Uni goes totally on line and he has to prepare for teaching next semester. For a technophobe he’s going great guns embracing online learning as a necessity. Will be interesting to see how UNSW copes with the massive loss in income this year, with such reliance on OS students to keep the profits rolling in. So there we have it diary entry for today

Dear M, It's been awhile since we last spoke. I figured now was the best time to reach out...well better late than never. Most mornings I wake up and wonder if I'm still dreaming or not. The only way I can really tell that this is real life and not a dream is you're not there to wake me up. I wake up later these days, maybe it's because I don't have work anymore or any other commitments. I think it's because it's quiet, peaceful since restrictions came in but at the same time an unnerving kind of quiet. I think humanity had high hopes for the year 2020, a new decade and all. I sure had high hopes. After seven long gruelling years of study and I had finally finished, hoping to graduate and start a new chapter. I never pictured that chapter with worldwide pandemics or where all the days, weeks and months blur together in isolation. I guess there's some truth to the saying life happens when you're busy making other plans. I'll mention that isolation makes you very lonely and I usually end up missing my work and wishing you were here talk to. I would of loved to pick your brain on this whole situation from the bewildering loss of toilet paper and social distancing to the endless conspiracies on how this pandemic happened. I can't really say how this chapter will play out but it will definitely be quite a transition for all of us. Until we speak again,

A sunny day. I would have been back from Sydney and still in jet-lag but instead I faced another spring in Switzerland. Swore never to do that again. Hayfever changes everything . Gabilliet said EVERYONE loves spring but he is wrong. TS Eliot was sort of right. It is a cruel time. As soon as you begin to write a diary you know will be seen you begin to fake it. There's a brilliant section in Taleb's The Black Swan on the problem of diaries, he is referring more to the faking that goes into rewriting, when the future has become the past, and the totally unknown has become the obvious, but I think the minute a public is involved you are rewriting, ... cheating as it were. They are going to open the libraries in Zurich again next Monday. something to look forward to. It's not like I need more books, but I like to look at them. " Why Minsky Matters " arrived yesterday. I was really happy, I read the opening chapter with delight. But I have a horrible feeling it is going to get technical and boring. Hopefully I can bicycle again next week, and not get breathed on by joggers and cyclists along the river . Everything is stressful, shopping, library, even walking in the forest. I have not caught a train for 6 weeks or so. Cancelled the automatic renewal of my annual rail pass. Was thinking fondly of the Ethnographic Museum Library in Geneva this morning while working up a drawing. It would be nice to get out of the house

This time has alerted me to the fact that I am getting old. I only turned 70 a few short months ago, celebrating with my family and friends, and am now brutally reminded of it daily. Being isolated as a 'vulnerable person', I've had a taste of full retirement. I now know why I've resisted it. A librarian, who passionately loves her work, I miss interacting with colleagues, helping people use technology, advising readers, inspiring children to seek the information they need, or discover exciting books to read. Library clients want to find interesting videos, research family or local history, or explore e-resources on their special interests, opinions, likes and dislikes. I miss them. While I have work to do, books to read, yoga to practise, walks to walk and Zoom to connect, I can't visit my grandchildren interstate, plan a trip, swim in my local pool, go to a concert or theatre, attend a yoga class, socialise, eat out, or enjoy a facial. For the first time in my life, I know what it is to feel old, dependent, irrelevant, unappreciated, not needed. Yes, Zoom, email and the phone keep me connected to family and friends (even yoga) but it's just not the same.

Despite my very best intentions to live my best life and present my best self to the world, I'm no diarist. Oh, sure, I fancy myself as a 'man of letters', but I'm peripatetic & all-too-easily distracted. All it takes is the prospect of, say, another cup of coffee; a banana muffin; or, worse, another glass of Nero d'Avola; (or whatever red happens to be open). Yet I feel I should have somethings say about life under the cloud of COVID-19 (which I still think should be upgraded, a la Microsoft Word, to reflect the times; it looks like last year's model). And, I think I do. Amidst all the politics, speculation, misinformation, Presidential hamfistedness, death, drama, economic upheaval, mass unemployment, projections of a fifty percent increase in suicide, and so on, many of us are looking for the elusive silver lining. Some are given to openly philosophising, even eulogising. I, too, am tempted, seduced, by revivalist Aquarianism: a utopian dream of wholesale human awakening, in which, in and around this moment, we will rally, one and all, spontaneously colour-blind brothers and sisters, to unity and a new purpose, casting off the trappings and shackles consumerism, 'success', perceived social status and doing; entering a new age of compassion, empathy, sharing & caring. Yea. And verily. I hope it comes to pass. Yet I'm not rushing online, to place a wager in favour of this, on SportsBet. For history tells us how quickly we forget. War. Famine. Plague. Pestilence. Disasters. Natural. And manmade. Even vira. Not to mention, others. Especially those less fortunate. Alas. Alack. We are, for all our occasional glimmering, shimmering good, selfish beings. Evolutionary imperative? Probably. A Darwinian drive? I s'pose. Will a tiny 'disruptor' really, fundamentally change us, for the better? Mm. Maybe. We'll see.