Diary Entries

It's a glorious Wednesday morning. Does that conjure images of birds chirping, warming sunlight, yellowing lemons, and drying washing? Yeah, it's one of those mornings and I'd be forgiven for thinking 'what was the lockdown for again?' This is my first entry for the State Library, which I discovered only just yesterday. What a great idea! If the Library wants a diary of the absolutely mundane, about boring & warm (but lovely) Autumn days in Sydney whilst in relaxed lockdown restrictions, then it shall have it! I have no work to go to, somewhat displaced and living temporarily at my brother and sister in law's home. My husband is living at his mother's place. Long story there, perhaps another entry... I have attempted to restart studying, through a subsidised TAFE course, but unfortunately my brains are also on a lockdown of their own and refusing to come out no matter what sorts of tricks I've played on it. I've signed on to so many Streaming subscriptions that I've had to spreadsheet all my logins. Shows I watched/watching/rewatching: The Mandalorian, The Expanse, Killing Eve, NOS4A2, House, Jean Luc Picard As a household, we are competing with each other on the number of cardboard boxes we can collect as a result of online purchasing. I can't take anymore bubble wrap. Ideally, we should resell boxes and bubble wrap on ebay. They are fairly pristine. Not sure how I got onto this topic but I really love the idea of composting! I have superficially researched this topic and now all I need is: an envirocycle compost bin, kitchen veggie scraps, cuttings from the garden (brown matter) and a home. Hey wow, writing this stuff down is awesome! The power of diaries eh? BTW, I am getting pretty good at playing Fishdom.

Corona has taken over the world. It has spread from country to country and is killing so many people. It is all over the news at the moment. Every channel you switch to has information on corona and how to prevent it. I am SO sick of it! We can't go to school or UNI or work and everything is done at home, on top of everyone you live with! It is especially frustrating when you are driving to the supermarket, watching people, in big groups, not following social distancing! It only takes one of them to have it, spread to the group, those people go home and spread it around to their families! Some people aren't so serious about stopping the spread as others are which is really annoying. Another crazy thing we just got over is the toilet paper shortage. I am not sure how the whole thing started, but everyone started panic-buying and stocking up on toilet paper! Why? Don't ask me. I have one question. WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO?! HASN'T THE WORLD BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH?! Okay, two questions... I wonder if, in the future, something like this will happen again. I also wonder how long it will be until corona stops. Hopefully soon. If you are reading this in, let's say, 100 years, DO NOT think that your lives are harder than ours because, well, really, have you been through 2020? No? Well, then you can't say that our lives are easy. They aren't.

Ah, waking to the sound of birds singing and that nice feeling of warmth from my silk blankets. Well, I wish that was my morning, what really happens is rather different. I wake up to the sound of the garbage truck taking my rubbish and throwing the bin, so that now the bin is on its side. I turn to see the time and realise I slept in.... like usual. My dog thinks she is a chihuahua when really she is a standard groodle (golden retriever/poodle) and she took half of my bed. I decide to get up and put my aqua kettle on to make myself some tea. As I pour the water over my tea bag a waterfall of flavour shouts through my cup. The milk is next and I never know how much to put in, so I am always taste-testing by pouring some out and put more water in or more milk. I grab my phone and walk back into my bed and drink my tea and scroll through my phone. As I take my last few sips of my tea, I emerge from my bed and put my clothes on. I pull on my navy shirt and my soft pants. Today was a cold day so I pulled on my socks and jacket and walk into my almost clean bathroom and brush my teeth with my turquoise toothbrush, which is all ruffled. Soon after I drag myself into my work space and set of to my work.

What it would be like to live with corona I wake up and I can barely breath. Im 20 and married though no one is next to me or near me. My throat still scratching and throbbing. Im sweating in heat and I have what feels like a migraine. My door opens and one of the doctors comes in with a mask, gloves and what looks like to be a hazmat suit and she hands me a tray with food. I attempt to start eating though I'm coughing up on my food and I cant even swallow it. I give up on trying to eat and I continue to the shower. I can still barely breath and I have congestion in my nose. I feel completely drained. I get unclothed and ready for my shower. Im hot though confused whether to put the water temperature on warm or cool. When I get out of the shower I continue to get dressed. Im still hot and can barely breath. Then they let us out of our rooms for a bit to get some exercise though we still aren't allowed to go near anyone. When I exit my room everyone looks at me like I'm some sort of creature I wish I could explain to them that its just a flu but its really not. It's way way way worse than that. All thats playing on my mind is my husband and 2 kids that are left at home 1'000 kilometres away from me. Every-night I pray to god that I could just see my kids. I only get to call them once a day. Fifteen days later and I haven't gotten any better. Im 20 young married and so much of my life ahead of me. Don't take life for granted...

Part 3 Our gorgeous "Lollipop Lady", who air-high-fives the kids and shares a fact with them every day. International World Dancing Day saw us shimmy across the pedestrian crossing with smiles and laughs. Near enough sometimes is good enough, and even a day of achieving nothing is a day to be proud of. A "Blanket Day" means a book was completed. A fresh load of washing is an achievement, fresh sheets, fresh towels, fresh, fresh, fresh. Ignore the "what you should do is...", no matter how well-intended the sentiment. Trust your instincts and set your own course. Forgive yourself for the days when you felt that you had not accomplished enough. There is nothing to forgive; silence that negative voice. There has always been so much beauty in the world, it is free and sometimes surrounds you when you least expect it and need it most. Inhale, exhale, find the joy, raise your voice and be heard. Trust your instincts, form and strengthen bonds. Be brave and be kind.

Part 2 Where do I fit into the world? A family of siblings whom I sometimes have to remind that I am of equal value. A mother so vulnerable and dependent, the constant challenge of providing comfort and reassurance in a constantly-changing world of dementia. I have to sometimes tell myself that the best I can do is just that. I am of value and I am good enough. To anyone reading this in the future, I hope it is not because you too are navigating a pandemic. But each and every one of us has a talent, perception and that extra iota of strength that they never knew they had. Communities form from a distance sometimes, but communities remain. And in the midst of the worst, there is joy. An ANZAC Day service, three of us in the street with our candles and the minute of silence filled by a chorus of kookaburras which stopped when the minute of silence ended. Glorious sunrises and sunsets, clearer skies because pollution is so much less, beautiful and poignant chalk drawings from a generation of children who probably had to Google "chalk" to find out what it is. The power of music, the extraordinary and unique talent of artists that exists in the world.

A couple of months ago, my grandmother passed away. I remember the day clearly, it was the day before her birthday. I was sitting on my bed writing her card, when my mother walked in, tears streaming down her face as she tried to stay strong for me. To this day, I have always wondered how I knew. How without a single word, my mother and I were able to say the unsayable. I remember embracing her in a hug, which she would know is a rare thing for me to do. I had always been a very removed child, constantly avoiding hugs and kisses, feeling claustrophobic if someone managed to strangle me in their embrace. But that day, all I wanted was to hug my mother. I did not cry until she left the room. I never did finish writing that card.

Part 1 Well, week five of my new life. And what have I learnt? I have learnt that the passage of time is both blink of an eye and turn of a cog. That we have control of so little, yet so much. That we have strength we never knew we had, and fear that bounces through our heads at the least expected times. I am sixty two years old, and have worked since I was seventeen. I describe my decision to step back from work, due to issues with chronic asthma and bronchitis, as the easiest and hardest decision I have ever made. A decision that I never expected to have to make, but the knowledge that what I chose was the exact and appropriate thing to do. We had formed a tight-knit community of workmates; I miss them terribly but we remain tight; thank goodness for social media and physical distancing but social bonding. I have formed more bonds with my workmates in five weeks than in five years. And then the onslaught; hives! On my eyelids, face, scalp, soles of feet, ears...so ridiculous yet so overwhelming. The next ten days are a blur; a terror-filled trip to the doctor's, where I pictured viruses bouncing off the walls, attempts to keep them at bay seemed futile. Sleepless nights, exhaustion and tears but a determination not to give in. Baby steps again, a daily walk, a healthy regime of eating, sewing, reading, writing, anything to continue the attempt to live a positive life. Walking has increased every day; oxygen and calm time to reign in the thoughts bouncing around my head. My mother in aged care; the physical ache that comes from limited visits, limited communication and the heartbreak of physical separation.

Captains Log Day 2 Week 9 of the Corona files: Today I took my log cutting chainsaw on the road and went on a space walk around the Isolation Pod. Yes! Chainsaw in hand, I looked for an ideal spot to chop up some timber for the self contained BBQ in the entertaining area out the back of the Isolation Pod. My thinking being that with some of the COVID restrictions eased the next weekend might be a good opportunity to burn meat into a carcinogenic state with friends (all 2 of them) and tempt fate even more than the virus has. Ahhh! the small pleasures that are making isolation tolerable. Today I am looking forward to having some more English Muffins for lunch. Yes! that's the high point of the day. As time continues to drag on, its a bit like being forced to binge watch a TV Soap like "Neighbors" or a reality TV Show like "My Kitchen Makes Me Fat" (joking aside the would be a good title for a COVID based TV Show.) Oh dear! I cannot believe that it has been more than 2 months now in this Isolation Pod out in the Werrington Sector ....... BTW - Apparently, there is now talk of a "NZ Bubble", interesting idea yes, but more jargon to add to things like "social distancing", "flattening the curve" and "avoiding the peak" - room for a COVID-19 Dictionary I'd say, but I'll leave that for my next entry?

Ever since quarantine I've slipped back into a nocturnal schedule. Wake at 4pm and sleep at 4pm. The anxiety about the future is what mostly keeps me up at night. I'm supposed to graduate in a term and job opportunities seem to be absymal. I'm scared of not being able to get into a related industry to my degree and derailing my career progression for a couple years. I'm so anxious I can't even begin to look for jobs. Many of my friends have fallen back into their depression and being forced to distance yourself from friends and family isn't helping either. It turns out mindset from living back to just surving and it is largely damaging. My family knew of this virus from the early days. Monitored it since early Jan and we knew with sinking hearts that western countries would be hit the hardest as they had no culture of wearing masks. In fact they discriminated against those who did, against those who were trying to protect themselves and those around them. They were abused over and over all around the world and it forced us to remember that racism wasn't 'better' in our age. It was just hidden better. It forced us to remember that our normalcy of before was a pile of cards waiting to collapse and the virus exposed all society's flaws. And yet I can't help thinking I wish things all returned to normal.